Alone

It has come to my attention that I don't know how to be alone. I surround myself with people every day because I simply do not know how to function without there presence in my life. Even in the shower. when one is as alone as you can be. I keep the door open,and plan when I can be around others again.
I'm in love with the idea of Love. but I have no clue how to feel it.
my heart swells for my daughter and my parents. I go on so many dates (to fill my nights and stave off the alone times)
Ever am I keeping my distance.I present myself as an object. I Seduce them and i tell them what they want to hear. no, there not using me. instead i use them.
and when I'm done. I fall off the planet. I pretend to be too busy to go on a date. Too busy to answer the many texts they will leave for me.
my heart is fragile. and it has made me cold.
but still i fear being alone so i trek on- and date men i know i could never love.
tonight is a rare night. no date in sight.
just me, alone in my house...
its a scary feeling.

afraid of the empty.
but wont let anyone close enough to fill this hole.
perhaps tonight is just me practicing. for what it will be like when in 40.

no.

i know me.
and i will find a man i know I'm too good for.
someone who i can hang out with.
and i will settle.

i wonder if ill fall in love?

what a strange thing that would be.
is is sad that i cant imagine what that would be like?

i don't know what its like to love someone, and have them love you in return.

perhaps this should be my new goal....


aw fak.


okay i feel better now.