Sunday, November 20, 2011

Yeaaaaaa Boi

A Lorelai-isum

The kid (4yr) calls it the "Glitter" box. I refuse to correct her. I like her idea better than reality.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I have the best idea


My Birthday is fast aproching, because I am a girly freek I am already thinking about what I am going to be wearing.
I think the choice has been made.
sexy fat elvis.

Ohhh yeaaaa Sexy MS Paint female Elvis is so hott.

Now I just have to grow GIANT balls so I can wear bright white lycra in public. Its funny I could be naked and it would not bother me, but white lycra takes some curage.

Really I think this is just a reason to wear my elvis costume. I have it in my costume box but never had a reason to wear it.
I know what you are thinking A."you have a costume box?what the hell, are you2?" and B."Is there ever a reason to NOT wear an Elvis costuem???"

and my answer is. HEY! dont be an arse. I can have a costume box if I so wish. and funeral. that is the worst thing to wear to a funeral.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


sometimes its hard to be absolutely awesome.
but i manage.
I forgot to get a date for this Saturday night...I'm not all that sure i want one. I just know that I hate being at the house all alone.
Its creepy and just reminds me how much i really don't like my cat meow meow.
he is a dick.

instead i feel that i need to get on the ball. i only have a few hours to try and get a date.
heeeeellloooo Internet.
(because I'm lame and don't know any real life boys)

hells to the motha fakin yea.
I'll get my hawt on.
I'm even wearing eyeliner. that's like my international code for "wanna bone?"
and by bone I mean "respectfully take me on a date where we shake hands at the end of the night and go our separate ways." because I am classy.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Why my kid is going to hate me.

Recently in the store we got some child development books from the 1920s,And while they are very interesting. They are also horrific.
How do you stop a kid from sucking there thumb at night? YOU TIE THERE ARMS TO THERE SIDES.
And they thought that was a greeeeeat idea. True they sure as shite wont suck there thumb anymore, but they also will have a new affinity for BDSM.

But this all got me thinking. When my kid is my age. Will she look back on her child hood and say “what on earth where you thinking?”
Short answer YES
I think its safe to say when I explain that on multiple mornings when I was too lazy to make eggs for breakfast I fed her pop tarts…

Future kid: “what in the good god is a poptart?”

Well its basically candy…


Wrapped in bread

FK: Sweet baby jebus

With icing on top.

FK: Why do you hate me?


FK: Noooo


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

This is why im alone

So I posted a thingy on CL. If you dont know what CL is then you prolly have social skills or never needed a free couch. CL is Craigs List.

so per usual I Posted a witty and strange i need a boyfriend
add. with some pictures of me dressed as captin america.
and again per usual I recived about 108 replies.
but I can promis i will only get about 5 dates out of the whole deal. after I weed out the bots, and the creepers...oh lord there are a LOT of creepers.
I start talking to these poor boys who dont know what they have gotten themselves into.
Here is one of my responces to one of the nice boys.

"I tried sleeping on a heating pad once, that was as close as i'm going to get to sleeping in fire. 3rd degree burns are never yummy. unless you are a cannibal. In which case that's sort of just the preemptive to an awesome BBQ.

also. don't be a cannibal.

I'm sure i taste terrible. I drink tea all day and eat weird foods.



I always just assume my Kidneys are in danger of being stolen.

one day when i wake up in a tub of ice i shall be prepared.

I think i would be prepared if i were the kidney stealer as I have given this much thought.

I would get the room across from the ice machine. I dont think enough potential body part theives think that part of the plan through. I DO NOT want to be hauling ice up the stairs a million times in a tiny bucket.

....I don't steal body parts just so you know."

and thats why im

no no no...this random internet meme dose me no justice
time for UPGRADE!!!!

mmmm yess.....smexy....

Monday, January 17, 2011

Book to the hook

Okay so a wrote a book.
For reals yall and by "yall" i mean 'no one'
but I'm at the point in my life where i want to get that shizz published.
Its prolly a huge pile of shite. but i want it in some teenagers hands.
I want to sell signed copies in my store with a 2$up charge.
heck yes is what i say.
Tomorrow Im going to send it out to the very first person on my list of Book Agents.
I look forward to the "we dont want your damn book" letter in the mail 10 weeks from now. Now all i have to do is print out the first 50 pages, also known as a dead baby tree.

I could email it to them, but paper seems more legit.
any one else worried how im single handed destroying the environment?